Post by nsc on Dec 22, 2012 12:40:18 GMT -5
I wrote this for a certain nameless website, I figured you guys would get a kick out of it:
What does the Emperor want for Christmas?
The Emperor wants one thing during the holidays.
He wants them to ****ing end.
Picture this, you're the big badass Emperor, savoir of mankind, you grabbed them by the balls and dragged them towards a bright future.
And you have twenty super-human children who can't stop pissing and pooping themselves for five minutes.
You've got Lion and Leman who constantly steal toys from each other and fight all day (except for naptime when they cuddle up together).
Perturabo who takes all the pillows from everything (beds, couches, chairs, hell whole chairs) and blankets and constantly builds forts to knock down.
Meanwhile Fulgrim is eating all the chocolate, candy, gingerbread and cookies and vomies all over the ****ing floor.
Jaghatai won't stop running as fast as he can through the whole house, knocking the tree, entables, coffee tables and other children over, until he runs smack dab into a wall or door and then it's just waterworks.
Rogal is never pleased with his gifts, instead clinging to that thrice damned toy bear which he got from his grandpa.
Konrad continually jumps the others, beating them up while screaming how they're so greedy and they're only pretending to be good to get gifts (oh yay more tears and bandaids).
Sanguinius spends his time making the others cry by telling them their gifts early, usually they retaliate by binding him to the top of the tree (the first time the Emperor saw this he nearly suffocated from laughter).
Ferrus is still playing with his mechano from years ago and if he gets anything other than mechano as a present he throws the biggest hissy-fit this side of roboute...
Angron spends his time laying fists into whoever he can reach and pestering dad for permission to have Kharn over or spend time at Kharn's house (Talk about family ties).
Roboute is constantly bullied by the others who like to take his books and mock him. When he does stand up to them they often send him crying (the Emperor should buy stock in johnson and johnson) so more spongebob bandaids are needed.
Mortarion is always at the Emperor's side, bellowing the loudest at how everything he does is unfair. "You're siding with HIM, that's not FAIR" "HE got LESS than HIM" etc etc. This was mercifully one who didn't require bandaids, but instead advil, lots of advil (for the emprah!).
Magnus never stops reading harry potter books, and the emperor is pretty sure that it wasn't Angron who burnt down the tree last year...
Horus is pretty good actually, he's polite and and has a way of talking with the others, calming them, bringing order to the chaos momentarily... Until someone gets cranky and needs more juice that is.
Lorgar slips out and spends the days arguing with the neighbour children, "MY DAD COULD BEAT UP YOUR DAD," is often heard punctuating an otherwise quiet afternoon, followed by tears and angry parents saying the Emperor should control his kids...
Vulkan keeps using the cardboard tubes from wrapping paper to make swords which he then torments the others with, and when he slips out the house he's always in the park throwing sticks at squirrels and fighting older kids who mistake him for an easy target.
Corvus keeps bothering Perturabo whenever he is gathering pillows or readying another fort, he also eggs Jaghatai on, continually claiming that he can run faster. And when he's not causing trouble thusly he runs around "surprising" the others.
Alpharius sticks with Horus mostly (another small blessing) but occasionally he can't help but get riled up by the others. Often bullying Roboute or joining into a brawl started by Leman to "prove his strength."
Yep, the holidays sure are great. Too bad it's cold and snowy, hence why the emprah needs his "medicine" each night.
What does the Emperor want for Christmas?
The Emperor wants one thing during the holidays.
He wants them to ****ing end.
Picture this, you're the big badass Emperor, savoir of mankind, you grabbed them by the balls and dragged them towards a bright future.
And you have twenty super-human children who can't stop pissing and pooping themselves for five minutes.
You've got Lion and Leman who constantly steal toys from each other and fight all day (except for naptime when they cuddle up together).
Perturabo who takes all the pillows from everything (beds, couches, chairs, hell whole chairs) and blankets and constantly builds forts to knock down.
Meanwhile Fulgrim is eating all the chocolate, candy, gingerbread and cookies and vomies all over the ****ing floor.
Jaghatai won't stop running as fast as he can through the whole house, knocking the tree, entables, coffee tables and other children over, until he runs smack dab into a wall or door and then it's just waterworks.
Rogal is never pleased with his gifts, instead clinging to that thrice damned toy bear which he got from his grandpa.
Konrad continually jumps the others, beating them up while screaming how they're so greedy and they're only pretending to be good to get gifts (oh yay more tears and bandaids).
Sanguinius spends his time making the others cry by telling them their gifts early, usually they retaliate by binding him to the top of the tree (the first time the Emperor saw this he nearly suffocated from laughter).
Ferrus is still playing with his mechano from years ago and if he gets anything other than mechano as a present he throws the biggest hissy-fit this side of roboute...
Angron spends his time laying fists into whoever he can reach and pestering dad for permission to have Kharn over or spend time at Kharn's house (Talk about family ties).
Roboute is constantly bullied by the others who like to take his books and mock him. When he does stand up to them they often send him crying (the Emperor should buy stock in johnson and johnson) so more spongebob bandaids are needed.
Mortarion is always at the Emperor's side, bellowing the loudest at how everything he does is unfair. "You're siding with HIM, that's not FAIR" "HE got LESS than HIM" etc etc. This was mercifully one who didn't require bandaids, but instead advil, lots of advil (for the emprah!).
Magnus never stops reading harry potter books, and the emperor is pretty sure that it wasn't Angron who burnt down the tree last year...
Horus is pretty good actually, he's polite and and has a way of talking with the others, calming them, bringing order to the chaos momentarily... Until someone gets cranky and needs more juice that is.
Lorgar slips out and spends the days arguing with the neighbour children, "MY DAD COULD BEAT UP YOUR DAD," is often heard punctuating an otherwise quiet afternoon, followed by tears and angry parents saying the Emperor should control his kids...
Vulkan keeps using the cardboard tubes from wrapping paper to make swords which he then torments the others with, and when he slips out the house he's always in the park throwing sticks at squirrels and fighting older kids who mistake him for an easy target.
Corvus keeps bothering Perturabo whenever he is gathering pillows or readying another fort, he also eggs Jaghatai on, continually claiming that he can run faster. And when he's not causing trouble thusly he runs around "surprising" the others.
Alpharius sticks with Horus mostly (another small blessing) but occasionally he can't help but get riled up by the others. Often bullying Roboute or joining into a brawl started by Leman to "prove his strength."
Yep, the holidays sure are great. Too bad it's cold and snowy, hence why the emprah needs his "medicine" each night.